Daddy #2

It seems that the Daddy that I so loved was abusive as well. Imagine that! As I was growing emotionally I had some tough questions to ask myself. For instance...If he was so GREAT then why did he let a fight with my Mother come between us? Also, why didn't he take a stand to make my life better and get me out of there? Why did he throw me down the stairs? Why did he backhand me in the mouth at least once a day? Things that make you go hmmmm. I remember him being very hard on me physically. He expected me to speak "perfect" English at 5 years old. He believed that children should be "Seen and not heard". He always disciplined me, and then rewarded me with money or gifts. He wanted me to be a "Showpiece". My mother told me about their breakup. Apparently, we were eating dinner and I spilled my milk. He hit me so hard that he knocked me out of the chair. She told him to leave that night. I remember him carrying his things to the car. I was crying and asking him why he was leaving. He just pushed me away and told me to "ask my mother". I was devastated. I had to face the facts that all three of the Dad's were awful. It was the truth that I tried to run from for years. You see, if I didn't have Daddy #2 on a pedestal, then the truth was...There was NEVER a man in my young life that ever loved and cared for me. This is the point in which the internal dialog really took over. I really believed I was worthless and bad. I did not deserve to be loved and apparently caused all this grief in my life. One of the life lessons that was hardest to learn was "It was not my fault". I was a child and it was not my responsibility to "fix" things. I carried these daddy experiences into my adult life and chose men that would abuse and control me. Obviously children learn from their example and I had 3 whoppers to choose from. When I talk more about the men in my life, it will be easy to see why I made the choices I did. I never really knew that men could or would simply "Love Me" for who I was. For that matter, love me, without a price. I went into every relationship looking for the price tag. Then when I was ultimately proven right, I just submitted and paid the price. Abusive situation after abusive situation. As I look back on it now, it really amazes me that I was ever in that frame of mind. I simply did not have the tools to move into a normal adult life. All can say is Praise GOD! Just by Grace, I can have a normal relationship now.