Poof---He's Gone!!! - Age 12

Every little girl's first love is her Daddy. I was just like every other little girl and thought that Rob (The only "Daddy" I every knew) hung the moon. He was funny, charming, handsome and classy. He saw me every weekend after the divorce. I loved to go HOME to my beach house and my friends. Each time he drove up to get me, I felt as if my "Knight in Shining Armor" was coming to rescue me. My mother's recent revelation about the biological dad "Jack" who was trying to hunt us down was quite terrifying for me. Also, my relationship with my step father continued to get worse and worse. He would tell me to "Shut Up" all the time. He had no manners. He called my mother names and humiliated her. He seemed to do this for my benefit. I could never understand why he would treat her this way. I would go to my room and cry myself to sleep. I could not process the entire situation. Whenever I asked my Mother why she let him talk to her like that, she would tell me it was none of my business. I really believed it was my fault. If I never agreed to the new Dad and brother, we would not be in this situation. My stepfather never smiled. He cursed like a sailor and barely spoke. All he did was bark orders and demand. He was the rudest, crudest person I had ever seen in my life. I could not comprehend why my mother stayed with him. They weren't in love when they moved in. It was simply a matter of convenience. She needed a hiding place for me and he needed a mother for his son. By far one of the worst nights of my life occurred when I was 12 years old. I called my Grandmother at the beach to talk, like I did often to escape for a minute and get a glimpse of "hope". When I hung up the phone I said to my mother very matter of fact "I think I heard my Daddy in the background. I wonder why he didn't talk to me". My mother began a series of events that would alter the entire path of my life. She called the police and sent them to my grandmother's house to have my father arrested for child support. Of course I knew nothing of the events. About an hour later, the phone rang. My grandmother asked to speak with me. She said the most painful thing I have EVER heard..."You are working as your Mother's spy. Your Mother just had your Father arrested. You are disowned from this family. Never call us and don't expect to ever see us again!" I will never forget how I lost my breath and began to sob and beg her to not leave me. I promised again and again that I would NEVER tell my Mother anything again. I wasn't trying to get my Daddy in trouble; I was simply stating what I heard. I did not even know about things like "child support" and "jail". I was so confused. She hung up and true to her word...I was disowned...poof! I cried myself to sleep for months. I had tremendous anxiety attacks. I just wanted to die. When I heard of a child that was hit by a car, or who suffered an untimely death, I was secretly envious. I begged God to take my life. I could not escape the pain. My first love...The only man who never hurt me...My Daddy...Was gone. I believed it was my entire fault. My relationship with my step dad got worse. He continued to abuse my Mother in front of me and I grew to hate him and his manipulative sociopath son. It was so very odd. My mother acted like nothing was wrong. I now realize that she had to lie to herself to justify her actions of staying in this horrible relationship. She was simply tired of being a single mother. At least she had a man bringing home money. She didn't have to work 3 jobs any longer. She so desperately wanted a man to love her. Even if that meant that he would abuse us. She eventually married the step dad. We moved out of the trailer and into a house in the same lower class lake town. When I turned 18 my Mother and my Step Father handed me a bill. Apparently my Daddy paid too much child support and they were required by law to pay it back. They told me "I had to pay the bill because it was used to raise me". I took the bill and paid it. As if they needed to add any insult to injury in this situation. It was absurd! The pain I felt after I lost my family and my Daddy was the worst pain I ever felt. I Swore that I would NEVER fight with my husband or do anything that would jeopardize the relationship between him and my son. I refuse to make the mistakes my Mother made. I will NOT parade men in my son’s life and I will NEVER and I mean NEVER allow a man to treat my son bad. I keep this pain fresh to remind me of what happens when children are put in the middle! When I lost my Daddy and my family, I lost all Hope of ever being safe and loved. I lost the ability to feel. I went into survival mode and simply existed. Many of the years and events that occurred around the "Dad's" is just completely a blurr. It was too complex for a young girl to handle. So I didn't cope until years later.